The Moon in Shining Eyes
by alede
Summary: Remus and Lily have to stop and get a hold of reality and what they have to do. Sometimes love isn't as easy as it looks. RLLE(LP)
1. Meant to be

Remus Lupin stood alone by the tree he'd come to visit so often in the past few months. He'd stood here alone, wondering about life. He'd stood here with the Marauders, laughing and joking. And he'd stood here with Lily – and these times has been the best of all.  
  
Lily. Sighing, Remus climbed into the lowest branches of the tree and rested against the trunk. He'd been so indescribably stupid.  
  
He'd had an affair with his best friend's girlfriend. Remus closed his eyes to the wind that was bringing tears to his eyes. Of course it was the wind.  
  
He'd broken it off that morning. He'd broken it off because of three good reasons. Firstly, James announced their engagement – which had shocked sense into him. Secondly, James was his best friend and as much as he couldn't stand to see him get the girl of his dreams he knew it must be so. Thirdly, he was a werewolf. Even if he had wanted to marry Lily he couldn't. He had been made infertile to stop the spread of "half-breeds" so he could never have children. No one would accept him, and everyone would look down their noses at her.  
  
"Remus!" called a familiar voice. "Remus!" Remus didn't move. "Go away, Lily. Please just leave me alone!"  
  
"Don't be so ridiculous!" she cried and he heard her begin to climb the tree. "You'll hurt yourself!" he said, and moved over so she could join him. He couldn't help but notice that her face was tearstained too. "Remus, I had to talk to you. I know you did what you did because you thought it was right and honourable and that but I really think you should know how-"Remus cut off her speech by clapping a hand over her mouth. Her eyes regarded him with surprise at the sudden movement. "Don't say it," he whispered. "Don't ever say how much you love me because you know we can never be together. You know I could never make you as happy or contented as James could. I could never give you security, a family or money. Don't make this any harder for me!" Remus jumped suddenly from the branch and landed on his feet. "Harder for you?" Lily shouted down to him. She started to climb after him. "Harder for you? You knew I was preparing to leave James, you knew! And yet you told me not too. You told me that I was far too precious to be wasted on you. And you could give me security – by just being with me! I wouldn't need any other family apart from you and me and finally, I have enough money for both of us, Remus!" Lily had reached the ground and was walking towards him slowly. "Didn't it ever cross your mind that I didn't care about having kids so long as I was with the one I loved?" "Then go and be with them then!" he shouted over his shoulder. "But I am!" she cried. Remus froze to the spot, trying to stop himself from turning round and pulling her towards him. For it was not to be. He knew if he touched her again he would never be able to let go.  
  
"You can't," he sighed. "There's no two ways about it Lily. Go home, James will be wondering where you are."  
  
"This isn't the end," Lily whispered behind him. He closed his eyes so she would not see the tears fall. The quiet pop behind him said she had Disapparated. He leant against the tree and clenched his eyes tight shut. His mother had told him many years ago that boy's didn't cry. And he hadn't done. He hadn't cried for years, but suddenly all the anguish he had been holding in burst out of him like a huge river breaking free of its dam. He cried for what his mother must have felt when he received The Bite. He cried for what he felt when he received The Bite. He cried for every time he had suffered a full moon – his hands curling into claws, skin sprouting hair, pupils dilating. He cried for Lily and how she must feel. He cried for the children he was never to have. And he cried for the anguish he felt in never being able to do all the things with her he had given James the chance to do. He cried as he remembered the last time he had spent with Lily by this tree. He cried at the love that he still associated with this place.  
  
He cried for what could not be. 


	2. Things that came to pass

A/N: I own nothing. Nada. Apart from the plot. And thanks to all my reviewers!!  
  
Lily appeared half down the road next to her own. She started to walk fast, eyes swimming with tears she was trying to unsuccessfully restrain. She turned into her won road mechanically and pulling out her keys with a trembling hand, she slammed the door shut behind her and ran up to her room, not even bothering to take off her coat and shoes.  
  
As soon as she got to her room she flopped down on her bed and let her misery come out. Clutching her favourite teddy, she made no attempt to stifle her sobs. She was so miserable.  
  
Miserable was an understatement.  
  
"Lily?" asked her sister, Petunia, as she stuck her head around the door. "Why are you crying?" "No reason," she muttered, vainly wiping her eyes. "It's that boy isn't it," said Petunia wisely, sitting on the edge of Lily's bed. "The Lupin boy." Lily didn't reply. "Well, Mum told me to tell you that the Potter boy sent this," she held out a letter. "Sure you're ok?" "Fine," muttered Lily, taking the letter and ripping it open. Petunia left the room.  
  
Lily,  
Meet me in the woods at 6. By the tree. James  
  
Wondering what on earth he would want to meet her in the woods for, Lily set the letter aside. A quick glance at her watch told her it was five thirty. Sighing, she began to make herself look a bit more presentable.  
  
And she needed to work up the nerve to dump James.  
  
***  
  
Half an hour later and Lily Apparated to the spot. James was late. Sighing, she leant against the tree and tried not to think about the time she'd spent here this morning with Remus.  
  
There was a sound like a whip crack and James poked his head round from the other side of the tree. "Hi!" he sad smiling. He went to kiss her, but Lily moved her head so he caught her cheek instead. "Hi James," she said. "Listen, there's something you need to-" "Wait!" he cried. Suddenly, without any warning he dropped to one knee and began to fumble in his pocket.  
  
The breath caught in Lily's throat. He was going to ask her to marry him. Now. She was about to split up with him. And he wanted to marry her. This was all wrong. Lily didn't feel swept off her feet, she didn't feel as if fireworks were exploding in the pit of her stomach and this most definitely was not the best day of her life.  
  
"Marry me?" he asked, still on the ground. James never had been one for speeches. Lily looked at him, completely dumbfounded.  
  
She should have been here with Remus – this was their special place. Remus should be the one on bended knee; Remus should be the one she was spending the rest of her life with.  
  
But Remus was not here.  
  
"O-ok," she stammered. He grinned and jammed the ring onto her ring finger. Lily realised that she hadn't even looked at it yet. James kissed her deeply and Lily didn't respond – to shocked to do anything. She was vaguely aware of James whispering something in her ear. All she could think was that she'd just made the biggest mistake of her life.  
  
***  
  
Remus Lupin was sitting at the table in his kitchen early when an owl flew through his window. Swallowing his cereal, he took the letter from the bird and it swooped gracefully away.  
  
Dear Remus,  
I know you probably don't want me to write, but I had to. James asked me a question last night – a question I couldn't refuse. I'm getting married. James wants us married as quickly as possible.  
  
Love, Lily x  
  
It took Remus several minutes to understand what was going on. He didn't notice that he'd dropped the letter into his cereal bowl. He simply sat and stared at the window for countless minutes.  
  
Lily and James. Getting married. A question she couldn't refuse. As quickly as possible.  
  
He'd lost her.  
  
"Morning Moony!" chirped Sirius, as he bounded his way into the kitchen. He began to fry some eggs. "Any post?" Remus jerked out of his trance. "Yeah," he muttered. "Lily wrote. James proposed last night." He fished the letter out of his bowl and threw it away with the remainder of his cereal. Suddenly, he didn't feel hungry. "Really?" said Sirius. "Old Prongs finally popped the question! What did she say then?"  
  
"Yes. She said yes." Sirius smiled and began to whistle as he dumped the eggs onto a plate. Remus left the room and took his coat from the peg on the way out of the front door. He hurried down the steps and walked down the road in the brisk morning breeze.  
  
It was too late to do anything now. She really was gone. He hadn't even meant for it to start. He'd fancied Lily for ages but never told anyone – not even Sirius and definitely not James. He felt so ashamed of himself for betraying his best friend but when he was around Lily he thought of nothing but her. She had that effect on him.  
  
Intoxicating.  
  
He thought back to the first time she'd realised how he felt.  
  
**flashback**  
  
It was New Year and everyone was celebrating like mad. It was their first New Year out of Hogwarts – their first as proper adults. Some, like James and Sirius, were taking this to heart and behaving as childishly as possible. By ten they were tipsy. By eleven they were drunk. By the time midnight was about to chime they were on the verge of passing out.  
  
Remus did not partake in this merry making. No, instead he sat alone with a shot of Ogden's Firewhiskey he was slowly sipping.  
  
"Oh, row, row, row boat! Gently down the stream! If you see a crocodile don't forget to scream!" sang Sirius loudly, standing on a table and centre of attention. "Crocodile?" asked James worriedly. "Where?" He picked up his glass and looked underneath as if expecting the crocodile to leap out and bite him on the nose.  
  
"It's embarrassing sometimes, isn't it?" said a voice to his left. Remus jumped. Lily had taken the empty space next to him. "Yeah," he agreed. "Yeah, it can be at times." She absentmindedly twirled the cherry in her drink around the bottom of the glass. "Only five minutes to go," she muttered, glancing at the clock. "I know!" he sighed. "Last year just went so..."  
  
"Fast?"  
  
"Exactly." Their eyes kept their contact for seconds longer than was necessary.  
  
They sat in a comfortable silence for the next minute or two. Lily seemed very fidgety, and kept playing with her hair or sipping her drink. Remus on the other hand stayed still.  
  
"Want to go for a walk?" Lily asked, getting up. "Why not?" said Remus, smiling. "I'm sure James and Sirius will hold the fort." Lily laughed throatily and took her cloak from a peg by the door. Remus, who had simply taken off his coat and placed it on the seat next to him, put it on and together they stepped out into the night air.  
  
It was dark – but what would you expect in December? It had also begun to snow lightly. Lily took Remus's arm and they began to walk slowly.  
  
"I like this," she said suddenly. "What do you like?" he asked. "This. Just you walking with me. It's so different when your with James; you have to let him do his thing all the time or he can't be himself. And he always has to be centre of attention. Not like you," she sighed and they came to a halt. They had managed to end up in an alley. "No, you always have been a gentleman Remus." Remus blushed faintly in the darkness. Lucky it was dark or she would have seen.  
  
They stood in silence, desperately trying to look anywhere than each other. If truth be told, Remus was trying to ignore the fact that Lily was on his arm. He was trying to ignore the fact hat his heart had decided to race. He was trying to ignore the fact that they were alone. Together.  
  
Ignore being the operative word.  
  
They heard a countdown begin inside the pub.  
  
Thirty.  
  
Twenty-nine.  
  
Twenty-eight.  
  
"Not long to go now," he muttered. "You know," she whispered, a mischievous look in her eye. "It's traditional to kiss someone at New Year's."  
  
Remus's mouth dropped open. He quickly shut it.  
  
Twenty-five.  
  
Twenty-four.  
  
"Better get back then," he said in a bright voice. "James'll be waiting." "No, Sirius will keep him occupied. I've always...admired you Remus."  
  
"Admired me?"  
  
"Yes." Remus was beginning to feel far too hot.  
  
Nineteen.  
  
Eighteen.  
  
Seventeen.  
  
"Whatever for?" "You stand up for everything you believe in. You never let your problem get you down. And you're..." "I'm what?" he whispered. "You're..."  
  
Ten.  
  
Nine.  
  
Eight.  
  
Seven.  
  
Their faces inched closer and closer together. "You're magical," she whispered.  
  
Five.  
  
Four.  
  
Three.  
  
Two.  
  
One.  
  
Their lips met and although a loud cheer was coming from the nearby pub, it merely sounded like a distant noise to be ignored.  
  
Then, Lily pulled away. She had a hand clapped over her mouth and was backing down the alley.  
  
"No," she whispered frantically. "No, this is wrong." Without another word to him, she disappeared down the alley.  
  
**end of flashback**  
  
They hadn't been able to keep away from each other for long. They knew what they where doing was wrong but they couldn't help it when it felt so right. No one ever meant for it to get as far as it had, which was exactly why Remus had broken it off.  
  
No good could ever come of innocent broken hearts. 


	3. Revelation part 1

Disc: Not mine. It took a lot to admit that. But it felt good dammit!  
  
a/n: Ta very much to Carla aka Harry's Lost Twin for going on at me to write so I did. I have split this chapter into two halves, this is the first bit because I'm not sure on how the second is coming along. Enjoy. Review!  
  
It had been a good few months now since Lily and James had become engaged.  
  
In fact, it was a week till the actual ceremony. The stag and hen nights.  
  
Remus sat in the corner of the smoky pub with the Marauders and the rest of James' friends. Peter was curiously absent – although Remus didn't blame him.  
  
He didn't want to be here.  
  
"Welcome to the stag night of the year!" cried Sirius, raising his glass and spilling most of the content. "And the name stag is appropriate here, wouldn't you say Prongs?" James laughed loudly, the alcohol already coming into effect. Remus sighed.  
  
He really didn't want to be here.  
  
"Lily!" shouted Rose, her cousin. "Lily, darling, come and try on this fabulous dress!" The fabulous dress in question turned out to be an apron with ridiculous frills on it. Lily sighed. This was typical Rose. "Yes, it's lovely Rose, but I think it would look so much better on you," said Lily, smiling. She tied the apron round Roses waist. "Yeah, you're right," she said, pausing to hiccough. "It suits me better!"  
  
Lily picked her glass up from the table and moved onto the next. The only occupant – well, the only sober occupant, was her sister Petunia. Petunia did not look as if she was having a good time. She was eyeing Rose with particular disgust.  
  
"Why on earth did you invite her again?" she asked, looking down her nose at her cousin, who was now prancing about singing something about snakes at the top of her voice.  
  
"I know, I know, Mum made me. Said it would be proper. Oh come on, she is our cousin!" Lily said, tracing the rim of her glass with her finger. "Cousin or not, I do wish she'd stop being so ridiculous and just sit down!" Petunia scowled at their cousin, who had somehow managed to find herself on top of a table.  
  
"Oh leave her, she's enjoying herself!" Lily said, taking a sip of her wine. "And you should be joining her," said Petunia, giving her a look. "It's your hen night, not hers." "I know," said Lily quietly, staring into her glass. "I know." This time it was barely a whisper. She could feel Petunia staring at her. "I am," she added, trying to smile brightly. "It's great – it's really great, everyone's having a good time." "Everyone except you," Petunia said quietly. Lily desperately avoided her sister's gaze and suddenly became very interested in the panelling on the wall.  
  
At James's stag night, someone was also not partaking in the merry making.  
  
"Come on Moony!" yelled Sirius, flinging his arms around Remus's neck. "Come'n join the party! Come'n have a drink!" Remus pulled Sirius's arms away from his neck and put an arm around his shoulders. Sirius's face gained an uneasy look.  
  
"My dear Moony," he drawled drunkenly. "I do think you are trying to seduce me!" Remus smiled wearily. "Come on Sirius, let's go outside. You need some fresh air."  
  
"I do feel rather ill Moony. Why are you spinning? Stop it, Moony! Make it stop!" Sirius looked very pale. "Will we see the ducks outside?" Sirius asked, looking eager. "Yes, Padfoot old friend, we'll see the ducks." "Oh good," said Sirius, all queasiness forgotten. "I like ducks."  
  
Together they walked out into the night. Remus led them over to the pond in the garden – Sirius had spotted something and proclaimed he wanted it as a pet. Remus suspected it was a squirrel. Remus told him not to be ridiculous and to come away and see the ducks.  
  
When they reached the pond, Sirius fell onto the bank and dragged Remus down with him. They sat by the waters edge. "Moony," whispered Sirius, watching the water. "Can I tell you something?" "Anything," said Remus, taking a sideways look at his friend. Sirius didn't move for a while, he simply stared at the dark water, the reflections of the pond dancing in his grey eyes. Remus began to worry – for a drunken man, Sirius looked very sombre. "There's something about me I've never told anyone," he said, barely audible. Remus leant in closer towards his friend. Something he'd never told anyone? "I know how you feel," he muttered, turning around and looking Remus straight in the eye. "I know how you feel...to be different." Remus looked at Sirius, puzzled.  
  
"I'm...I'm...I'm not as other men," Sirius said softly. "I'm gay. Does that make me wicked?" Remus looked Sirius directly in the eye. "Are you sure you're gay?" he asked. "Positive. The whole fancying men instead of women thing gave it away." "Oh," said Remus. They sat in silence again, Remus's mind working furiously. He'd noticed Sirius's lack of interest in women – who hadn't? It was hard to miss. Remus had thought it to be a case of not finding the right girl. Sirius continued. "I fancied Prongs for a while. Gave up on him soon enough – he's got Lily hasn't he? And even if he didn't he made it pretty obvious he likes the company of women." Sirius stared dejectedly out to the pond. "So who do you fancy at the moment?" asked Remus. Sirius barked out a laugh. "You, actually. Weird isn't it? I'm not saying you have to go out with me Moony, because you don't, not if you don't want to. I'm just saying that, well, I fancy you. A lot. You're a very attractive wolf, Moony." If Remus was not mistaken, there was a definite blush around Sirius's cheeks.  
  
"Will you keep your voice down?" hissed Remus. "You're not the only one with a secret!" "Sorry," muttered Sirius.  
  
They sat in silence for a while. Sirius began to pull grass out of the ground and throw it over his shoulder. "Padfoot," Remus asked suddenly. "If you really loved someone and you knew it would hurt someone else to be with them, would you do it anyway?"  
  
"Depends," said Sirius, shrugging. "Who's the lucky lady? Or man," he said with a wry smile. "No one," said Remus, flushing. "Oh!" gasped Sirius. "It is a man!" Remus hit his arm. "No you fool, it is a woman. Just not a very...accessible woman." Sirius nodded knowingly. "If it was a person who I didn't mind hurting then, yeah, I'd go for it. If it was my best friend then no, I wouldn't. You should never pick girls over friends Remus. "A look of realisation dawned over Sirius's face. "Is it – no, it couldn't be. Not...Lily?"  
  
Remus got up suddenly and walked away, heart pounding. Was it that obvious? If it was then would James guess? He heard Sirius get up hurriedly from the ground and run towards him. "Lily?" he cried. "Bloody hell Remus! You pick some right ones!" Remus wheeled around. "Yes, ok, I'm in love with Lily!" he yelled. "No, I'm not I just...I just think I am but I can't be – she's happy isn't she?" He raked a hand through his hair. "Do you really love her?" "With all my heart."  
  
There was a silence. Sirius was looking very intently into Remus' eyes. Then, very suddenly he turned away. "It's not worth it," he sighed, looking at a knot of grass. "It's not worth losing James over her Moony. You're free to do what you like...but I wouldn't risk it." He turned away and began to walk back towards the pub. Remus grabbed his arm and wheeled him around. "You won't tell him, will you?" he asked pleadingly. Sirius sighed vehemently. "No," he muttered, not looking Remus in the eye. "I'll keep your dirty secret." He began to walk away from Remus very fast. "I didn't ask for this!" he called after him. "I didn't ask..." he sighed.  
  
This was not what he had planned. 


End file.
